We got pregnant after winning a raffle ticket.

Evan Jr. was conceived due to the hand of God. 

The miracle of pregnancy is beyond what my mind can conceive. 

One sperm and one egg coming together at just the right time, implanting itself in a womb prepared for weeks prior, and somehow growing into a fully-functioning baby without a single human hand directing the show.  Even more fascinating is the forever inhabitation of a soul, even before our human eyes can see.

This is without a doubt...a miracle. 

But this isn’t what this blog post is about. 

It’s actually about the time my husband agreed to us trying to get pregnant, after months of him wanting to wait. 

But before I share the story of how that came about, I think it’s worth rewinding a bit more and sharing how the Lord allowed Evan (my husband) and I to have three years of marriage before having children...all without any conventional forms of birth control. 

When we first got engaged, Evan and I decided pretty early on to refrain from using conventional forms of birth control.

This is the night Evan proposed. Read the details of my engagement story in God, Princeton, & My Pondered Thoughts.

I’d recently been healed, a few months prior, from some pretty severe food allergies and had finally begun gaining weight, healthfully exercising, and eating a diverse array of foods without issue. With that said, I had no desire to have my body experiment with conventional forms of birth control. Evan, thankfully, agreed without question. 

I didn’t adopt this stance due to being well-researched. In fact, I hadn’t done any. I simply didn’t have a good feeling about going this route. So I asked some older married couples what they did, and the idea of family planning seemed appealing. I ordered Taking Charge of Your Fertility and began reading.

I felt pretty confident that if the Lord wanted us pregnant, despite our best efforts, we would get pregnant. And if He didn’t, He would allow for us to not get pregnant.

I was 22 at the time and quite naive. However, I trusted my Heavenly Father.

Evan Sr. was on board. Our close family members were frightened. Our friends thought we were crazy. And the last few words of most conversations with others were often, “Y’all will be pregnant in a few months. Just watch,” uttered with worry and grimace.

I wanted to retort in response, “And if we do...Well, Praise the Lord!” But my inner mommy-boldness hadn’t yet arrived. Instead, I’d lightly chuckle during these conversations and quietly hold Evan’s hand a bit tighter. 

I had no idea what we were doing.

We married soon after and two years flew by. Evan and I experienced several lazy mornings together. A few binge-watches throughout. Several dates in different restaurants and movie theaters.  A few walks alongside Lake Shore Drive overlooking Lake Michigan. And time…we experienced so much free time.

After two years of marriage, I felt a nudge from the Lord to begin discussing our timeline for kids.  I shared this with Evan.

Evan said he’d take it to prayer.

The only issue? Evan’s “taking it to prayer” appeared more of a coy to delay, and months flew by. 

I felt pretty helpless. Evan maintained his unwavering posture of hopefulness. And our discussion was nonexistent. It ended with me thinking that it was time to begin trying to conceive and with Evan sitting unphased saying again and again “Okay...lemme pray on it.”

What could you say in response to that?

Father’s Day of 2017 was when everything changed. 

Evan and I were both getting dressed to go to church when Evan received a text from our Pastor.

“C’mon man-let us wish you a Happy Father’s Day. We waiting on you, bro!”

Evan laughed aloud and sent him a text back.

“Lol in due time brother. Happy Father’s Day to you!”

Our Pastor was discipling Evan at the time, and they had a close relationship.

Due to Evan running behind, I decided to go ahead to church, since it was only five minutes away. While walking up to the church door, I saw Ms. Carolyn, the best church greeter in all of Chicago, giving out raffle tickets to all incoming fathers. The raffle entry afforded fathers the opportunity to win a gift card at the end of service. 

“Aw..how sweet and thoughtful,” I thought to myself. I hugged Ms. Carolyn and took my place in our usual pew that Evan and I loved sitting on. 

Evan and I standing outside our church building during the summer of 2017.

Evan showed up minutes later.

Towards the end of service, our Pastor walked on stage and directed the fathers in the audience to pull out their raffle tickets. Evan began rustling inside his suit jacket for something. Instantly, he pulled out his raffle ticket. 

“Evan….the tickets are for fathers,” I said while looking around, in fear of breaking an unwritten rule. 

“Oh… I didn’t know. I thought they were for all men,” he said, pleasantly unphased.  

“Evan, you can’t participate in the raffle,”  I responded more urgently. 

“Well, let’s just see,” he said with a humorous smirk.

Apparently, the prize was a gift card for a new suit. A temptation Evan seemed to not be able to resist...even in church. 

But what I didn’t know was that Evan was actually talking to God. Perhaps he had been. He told the Lord that if his ticket was selected that he would take that as a sign to begin having children. Yes, a raffle ticket.

I knew none of this. I just knew that my husband was... well, being my husband: doing as he pleased, without fear of judgment. 

Our Pastor announced the first set of numbers from the pulled raffle ticket.

After much silence, our Pastor asked everyone to double-check the numbers on their raffle ticket.

No one claimed it. 

Our Pastor turned the wheel again and pulled out another raffle ticket. 

Still nothing. No one claimed the second set of numbers either. 

At this point, slight frustration ensued as our Pastor again directed church congregants to pull out their raffle tickets and read their numbers more carefully (church service was running behind and pushing into the start of Sunday school).

Our Pastor turned the wheel again and called out the third set of numbers.

Evan stood up, raffle ticket in hand.

Our church had quite a large congregation. But since we frequented the 8 AM service, everyone knew each other. And they all knew that Evan was not yet a father. 

Evan went up to the stage and claimed his prize. Our Pastor laughed. “Well, we know that Evan isn’t a father...yet but we’re going to give him this gift card.” Our much older church members smiled at me upon seeing Evan on stage...as if to say, “I look forward to seeing you two younguns procreating one day.”

 I was the only one who felt embarrassed.  

When Evan finally returned to his seat, he looked like a deer in headlights. He went on to share with me a revelation I never anticipated him receiving.

“That’s it love. It’s confirmed. I’m going to give the gift card away. But it’s confirmed. I just prayed literally to the Lord that if my number was called that I would take that as a sign to begin trying (to have children).” 

“What?” I questioned in shock.

“Yeah. I can’t deny that one. You just witnessed it.”  

Evan gave the gift card to another father and we began trying that day.

I praise the Lord that my husband was not like Gideon. He knew that the Lord had spoken, as strange as it may have seemed, and he didn’t need a further sign. The likelihood of Evan getting to church late, grabbing a ticket unknowingly, and winning a raffle ticket after two people didn’t claim their prize. This was not a coincidence. The Lord had answered. I just never expected the Lord to get my husband’s attention through a raffle ticket.

We conceived a few weeks later and named him Evan Jr. 

Pondered Thought: What are some interesting ways the Lord has gotten your attention in the past?

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New City, Newly Married, No Immediate Family... And My Husband Quit His Job

It was our first year anniversary, and we went all out—as best we could at the time. After celebrating with a candlelit dinner, a scheduled massage, and a night in a fancy hotel, our celebration was complete. We felt pretty accomplished.  366 days of marriage and counting. 

The next morning, my husband and I woke up in our hotel room and began reading the Word together. While reading a chapter in Matthew aloud, Evan, my husband, paused. He highlighted, said a couple of “hmmm”’s and continued reading. He paused again, considered speaking, but then hesitated at the last minute. 

A few seconds later, and with careful word placement, Evan completely upended whatever 3 year-plan we didn’t quite have. 

“I think I’m supposed to quit my job. 

Yeah, I don’t know. 

But I’m pretty sure this is the Lord speaking. 

Can you pray on it too? It’s just that….while reading, I heard that.” 

“Yeah. Okay. Just like... while reading that section (a section of scripture that had absolutely nothing to do with relinquishing a stable source of income) you heard that?” I cautiously questioned.

It wasn’t that Evan hated his job. But it wasn’t something he lept with joy about when returning home from work. It was more like that subtle nuisance of an activity that he felt forced to do eight to ten hours per day, as a postgraduate who needed more work experience. And when he was home, any recollection of that nuisance was politely put away until the next day’s clock-in. 

“Yeah. I can definitely pray.” 

I prayed right then to myself and knew immediately that this was the Lord speaking. Not only did I feel the hand of God in this, but I also knew that whatever Evan was led to do, he needed to act quickly.

One day later,  Evan put in his two weeks’ notice.

Immediately, we felt a sense of peace. As scary as it was- a new city, newly married, and with no immediate family around-we knew we did exactly what we were supposed to do. 

We just didn’t know the journey that awaited us upon doing so. 

Evan took to applying for jobs immediately. Living on my income (a teacher’s salary at that), in the city of Chicago, wasn’t quite ideal.  I felt led to fast from eating all meat (including fish) until Evan got his next fancy job. At the time, I ate meat three times a day. But it didn’t matter. I knew he’d get a job pretty quickly...since it was the Lord who told him to quit, right? 

Well, after three months of unexpected rejections, Evan became an Uber driver.

Some mornings before leaving the house, I’d let Evan know the exact amount of money he needed to make before a bill was withdrawn from our account. Our savings were slowly dwindling. 

One Sunday evening, Evan left the house at 11 PM due to an Uber driver demand. Because there was a surge in pricing, Evan made $74 in 38 minutes (he still can recall these exact numbers years later). He walked through our apartment door feeling accomplished. I couldn’t have been more proud. 

Our first apartment.

After three months of Ubering, we decided to celebrate Evan’s birthday by going to Memphis to spend time with family. Thank God for Megabus’ pricing. 

Evan photobombing me on our Megabus ride from Chicago to Memphis.

After six months, whatever adventure we signed up for began to look less promising. It honestly didn’t make any sense as to why my exceptionally qualified husband was not getting a job. It baffled us both. Every time Evan neared a final round of interviews, someone else was chosen. Or the job was handed to someone else in-house. 

 We needed money. I craved meat. And people’s skepticism over our “following the Lord faith move” began to annoy me. 

After eight months of searching, Evan came across a promising job opportunity through one of our close contacts. Although this job would be in a completely different area of work than preferred,  it offered good pay with an early start date. Our contact anticipated excitement from us both. And we were. But then we prayed. 

We both knew that this wasn’t it. 

Eight months turned into nine months. 

Not only did we appear crazy, but some moments we felt crazy. 

One evening after work, I got home and found Evan dressed up. 

“What’s going on?” 

“Oh, the Hendersons invited us out for dinner. Apparently, they have some really good news to share with us.” 

“Ohh… where?” 

“Indian Garden.” 

Indian Garden was an upscale Indian restaurant in the heart of downtown. One of my favorite eateries in Chicago. 

We got in the car and drove to the restaurant just 15 minutes away. I couldn’t help but ask. 

“So where is the money going to come from? We just did our budget. This is going to easily cost us $50 with tip.” 

“I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry.” 

I sighed. 

We pulled up and began to park. 

“Ev...let’s park further down. Parking is going to cost us at least $10 if we park here. Let’s just walk.” 

“It’s okay. I’ll make some extra money Ubering. Don’t worry.” 

I rolled my eyes. We could use that extra money towards a lot else. 

We walked into the restaurant and were immediately seated. The Hendersons hadn’t made it in yet. I could smell vindaloo and only imagined the different meats marinating in an array of spices. 

“Go ahead and get whatever you want.” 

“Ev, we have a budget.” 

“In fact, get some meat if you want to.” 

“You know I’m fasting….” 

Evan let out his invisible lion’s mane. 

What was he so proud of? 

He continued speaking.

 “ You know that weekend that I said I was going out of town for that church conference?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, I was actually interviewing for ___. They paid for my hotel and everything. I wanted to surprise you. I got the job bae. Here’s your new client exec.”

He got the job. (And I could order my fish vindaloo.)

I got on my knees and kneeled over the seat of my dinner chair. Not symbolically but quite literally.

“Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Thank You Jesus.”

Tears streamed down my face without effort. No one knew how hard it was to not give up. 

This was what we were waiting for. 

Ten months of waiting. 

We never missed a meal. We never missed a bill. The Lord took care of us throughout, even in the midst of so many thinking we were crazy, naive, and unwise. 

This was what was on the other side of obedience—increased dependence and trust in the Lord. 

Evan’s new job was double the pay of his previous job. Yes, DOUBLE.

One year after initially quitting his job, we bought our first condo. 

Six months into his new job, we conceived our firstborn. Three months into my pregnancy, Evan received an email stating that his new job’s paternity policy had recently changed. He would be receiving three months of paternity leave, with 100% pay. His new job doubled their paternity leave period.  Yes, DOUBLED.

2.5 years after Evan quit his first job, we were in the financial position that allowed me to leave my full-time job in order to work at home, nurturing our little one (and now little ones).

God is good. He is Faithful. And I hope this testimony leads you to look to the One who is unchanging, forever Good, and always available. If He did it for us, He is more than capable of doing it for you. 

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” ‭‭

Hebrews‬ ‭11:6‬ ‭

Fun fact: I don’t even eat meat anymore, by choice (hahaha). 

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To Husbands: 4 (Insider) Tips To Naturally Enhance Your Wife's Level of Respect for You

One night in college, a friend of mine could hardly contain a new-found revelation she received from the Lord. 

“Jessica, I’m just now seeing it. The Lord showed me that when Jesus came to Earth,  He could’ve done certain miracles that would’ve placed a tremendous amount of fear into the hearts of the people. He could’ve blown fire down from heaven at any moment’s notice, marshaled hosts of angels from heaven to appear instantaneously, or incited any sort of plague against those who opposed Him. But I think He didn’t do that because He didn’t want people to submit to Him out of fear and intimidation. He wanted people to submit to Him out of love. His miracles revealed His love and character, and in response, many people submitted.  ” 

It was quite a profound revelation. 

Looking at Jesus’ example, I have one question for godly husbands today:

What type of respect do you really want? 

Do you want your wife to respect you out of fear and intimidation, or out of love for your personhood, character, and seen example?

I believe the former has caused some men to exhibit misogynistic, aggressive, and intimidating behavior that is both unbiblical and deeply troubling.

Jesus never demanded respect.

It was freely given to Him by those who had ears to hear and eyes to see. 

Looking at the example of Jesus, I want to give you some insight into what draws wives into naturally giving the respect you desire and need.

If I were talking to wives, I’d emphasize that respect and submission is not conditional (meaning it shouldn’t be given or taken away based on the behavior of one’s husband).

But since I’m speaking to you, here are a few things you can do that will naturally drive your woman to want to respect, submit to, and follow you. (SN: All the credit to my husband Evan for making this blog post easy to write. He truly allows me to see his growth in all of these areas every single day.) 

1. Openly confess your sins, tell her your weaknesses, and admit when you are wrong

   My husband shared with me recently that most men live with the hidden fear of being found “inadequate.” Satan loves to drive men to live with this fear for their entire lives. Therefore when many/some men get married, they put on a mask because they don’t want their wives to see the baggage they really carry. But can I let you in on a secret? Most women saw many of your imperfections even before saying “I do,” even if you didn’t. And guess what? She still chose you.

   The sexiest and the strongest thing you can do is be vulnerable with your wife regarding your fears, hidden sins, and struggles. Because in doing so, your wife gets a glimpse of your true humility. Christ displayed the perfect example of humility while in the flesh. Although Christ was perfect and never needed to confess sin, you doing so is still a reflection of Christ, because it reflects that same humility.

   She didn’t marry you because she needed you to be Superman. Instead, she needs you to constantly point to the One who is.

   When you do that, even if it’s not well received at first, please know that your example in doing this is appreciated and opens up the opportunity for your wife to do the same.

   When a wife knows that her husband is one who isn’t ashamed of being vulnerable with her, it breeds respect. It may sound counterintuitive, but trust me on this. 

2. Keep Your Word 

   Keep your word, even in the little things. When your wife knows that she can rely on you to do what you say, she naturally feels secure, protected, and loved. Yes, taking out the trash when you say you will can induce these deep feelings. So be very careful when you say you're going to do something. Because when you don’t, it can breed a sense of insecurity and instability in your wife that can manifest in ways that you’d find disrespectful later on.

   I’ve seen too many older women who do “everything” not because they want to, but because they’ve lived in years of disappointment and resentment towards the indifference and passivity of well-meaning husbands who didn’t realize that being intentional and consistent in the little things was actually a big deal. This breach in trust led to them questioning their husband’s ability to pick up the kids from school on time, to pay bills, to schedule certain appointments, or to stick with the budget.

   Many husbands don’t realize that nagging is actually an unhealthy weed that grows from your wife not seeing you doing what you say you’re going to do. While this disrespect is completely unjustifiable it’s helpful for you to know where it stems from.

   You may think it’s not a big deal to break your word here and there, but trust me, you don’t want to deal with the weeds later.

   Let your “yes be yes” and let your “no be no.” Again, I must emphasize that no one is perfect! So go back to #1 when you find yourself not keeping your word...even in the little things. Confess to your wife and work to overcome that challenge by God’s grace 

3. Personally sacrifice...even if it costs you more than you desire

   “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” Ephesians 5:25

   “A man lays down his life for his wife.” What imagery comes to mind when you read this? Do you picture a movie scene where a burglar tries to break into your home and you jump in front of your wife right before the assailant pulls the trigger? No? You can tell, I have an imagination huh? 

   Well, no matter what valiant imagery comes to your mind when you read that phrase, laying down your life for your wife can often be simpler than you think.

   It can look like arranging for her to take a weekend away to rest while you care for the home and kids (my husband did this for me recently, and wow did it mean the world to me!).

   It can look like patiently listening to another story about her day, filled with too many details you don't really care to hear, but listening anyway with as much enthusiasm as you can muster.

   It can look like not retaliating when she lashes out at you, because you know it’s just that time of the month or pregnancy hormones (my poor husband has dealt with this so graciously all too often).

   It can look like cooking dinner, washing dishes, or giving her a massage.

   And sometimes it can look like you simply watching that RomCOM on TV with her, going to Target and walking through the Home section with her, desiring to listen to whatever music/podcasts she’s listening to these days, or doing whatever activity she’s been asking you to do with her.

   Women have a natural tendency to sacrifice and give their families more of themselves than what they actually possess.

   No matter who you are, it’s really hard for a wife not to respect a man who sacrifices. In return, she’ll want to serve you even more. That’s how we women are wired. But here’s one word of advice: listen to what she’s been subtly already asking you to sacrifice and don’t create areas of sacrifice that she never asked of you to do. That will only leave you resentful if she doesn’t appreciate that particular sacrifice. Every woman is different. Whereas one wants you to surprise her with a trip to the mall, another may just want you to take a walk with her outside.
   Know your wife, and give of yourself in the way that will mean the most to her personally

4. Tell her one thing you appreciate about her daily 

   Your words probably got you that second date, so continue to woo her with your words. Every wife desires to be seen and acknowledged. Every day, look for one thing that you appreciate about your wife and what she does and simply let her know. When you see Jesus writing letters to the seven churches in the book of Revelation, before granting a word of rebuke, He listed one thing that He loved about that particular church. Go read it. It’s quite beautiful (Revelation 2-3). So tell your wife just 1 thing daily that you love. Do you admire how diligent she is in her career pursuits;  or do you admire how she takes time to make dinner; or do you admire her pursuit of God? Tell her one thing you admire and be as specific as possible. For instance, “you look beautiful” is nice but try this: “I know that you have little time on your hands these days,  but you always manage to step out of the house looking like the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen . I don’t know how you manage to do it but I’m one blessed man.” Talk that talk, fellas! Your woman needs to hear it from you. 

I conclude with emphasizing that your wife’s respect shouldn’t be conditional. This blog post is merely meant to give some insider tips into what will naturally drive your wife to respect you for your personhood, character, and example.

Lastly, I must end this by saying thank you to Evan, my husband, and the sexiest man alive. Thank you Ev  for constantly growing into these qualities for me to see. Your leading example made this blog post truly easy to write, because the traits I am encouraging other men of God to embrace, I see you work to embody more and more every day…seriously, thank you.

PonderedThought: Not convinced? Make these mentioned points a conversation-starter between you and your wife. You might be surprised at what you might hear...and ultimately the changes you might see in you alls relationship upon consistent implementation. 

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On my wedding day...I didn't know I'd be saying "I do" to this.

Sometimes I look at him and wonder. I wonder where the butterflies went, the sweaty hands that suddenly found stability, the upset stomach that sequestered calm, and the frantic eyes that somehow steadied. I look at my husband and am more drawn into the mystery of what brought us together.

Of course, his charm, his humor, and his really good looks helped. But more deeply, I wonder what made us say “yes” to each other and “no” to the rest. Was it my go-to perfume that put his head in a daze? Or was it my sharp sass that held him in want? Was it his swag coupled with quick wit that kept me on my toes? I point largely to the exterior, not due to vanity but due to the fact that without any other reason,  I don't know what brought us together, what made our eyes lock into one, and what made our hearts pant deeply for one another...except for God.

On our first date, we didn’t discuss the number of children we wanted, where we desired to live long-term, the percentage of our check we’d like to see in our 401K, or our anticipated parenting styles. We talked. We laughed. And an uncanny chemistry drew us closer and wouldn’t let us go.

You see the older I get, the more this mystery becomes of growing intrigue. Because when I said “I do,” I really didn’t know exactly what I’d be saying “I do” to.

I didn’t know I’d be saying “I do” to a man who held strong faith in God when we were unexpectedly down to 1 income 3 months after marriage. One who’d try to understand me when I was PMSing and I needed a huge hug right around my waist (but not too tight). One who didn’t make fun of me when I was having extreme pregnancy hormones and missed my mom and sisters and decided to watch Steel Magnolias at 4 AM on a Sunday morning, wept loudly at the end, and then proceeded to get dressed for church as if nothing happened.

I didn’t know I said “I do” to a man who is an amazing father and who cherishes greatly the legacy he passes down.  I didn’t know I said “I do” to a visionary, to one who asks “why” at the most inopportune, yet crucial times, and one who debates me for fun or for my sheer annoyance.  I didn’t know I said “I do” to these things, and yet I did.

Sure, we dated for a long time, talked seriously about our future goals, discussed our compatibility and sought pre-marital counseling. But even with all of these things, saying “I do” took a leap of faith. For when anyone says “I do,” one can’t see the coming arguments, the full extent of a spouse’s sinful condition, all of the difference of opinions, nor life’s different trials that comes with simply living.

And yet every argument my husband and I have, every sinful condition we wrestle out of each other, every difference of opinion that challenges our worldview, every unexpected trial that comes our way, reassures me all the more that I said “I do” to the right man. I said “I do” to my forever love. I didn’t know all these things then. And yet I made the right choice. That puzzles me. 

Proverbs 30: 18-19

18 There are three things which are too wonderful for me,

           Four which I do not understand:

19 The way of an eagle in the sky,

          The way of a serpent on a rock,

           The way of a ship in the middle of the sea,

           And the way of a man with a maid.

I can’t put my finger on what exactly drew us together. It’s hard to articulate the unseen attraction felt that was noticeably different from previous lusts. And it’s even more unnerving to evidence the certainty we both felt in knowing we were each other’s forever-early on. For when I made a vow, I honestly didn’t know what all that vow would entail.

And yet, I looked into my soon-to-be husband’s eyes on our wedding day, and said “for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do us part…I do.”  That’s the essence of marriage—faith. I didn’t know the exact direction life would take us...and I still don’t. But don’t you see that that’s the mystery and the beauty of marriage?

We didn’t know. We don’t know. And yet we said, and say “I do.”

PonderedThought: What are some things that you said “I do” to that you didn’t know would occur in your own marriage? If not married, what are some things you’re already considering saying “I do” to that you’ve put great thought into?

Additionally, if you’re a believer, ponder more deeply on the fact that God said “I do” to you while knowing your full sinful condition. While knowing when you’d turn your back on Him. While knowing when you’d choose the things of this world over Him. And yet, He said, and continues to say “I do” to you every single day. That too is the mystery and beauty of a covenant relationship with God.

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5 Practical Habits to Consider Adopting as a Newlywed

My grandmother called me during my first year of marriage and frankly told me,

“The first 5 years of your marriage will build the foundation for how you and your husband operate for the rest of your marriage. ”

— My Very Wise Grandmother

At first, I thought “5 years is a long time.” But with time, I realized that she was so right. Evan and I get a lot of things wrong. Like a lot. I’m still learning how to...well that’s another blog post. However, here are 5 practical things that we do consistently that work for us. They may not work for you and your spouse, and these could very well change for us as the years go on. But for right now, these 5 habits are our current game changers.

1. Say 1 prayer in the AM together.  

This is not anything fancy nor time-consuming. Evan and I just make sure to always say 1 prayer together in the morning. When I was working at a school, Evan would call me while I was in transit to work and we would pray. Currently, we pray together right when we first wake up. Our prayer typically begins in gratitude to God for the day, and then we take turns praying for one another for 1 shared prayer request. By doing this, we help each other recognize when the Lord has answered a prayer request in one of each other’s lives; we feel connected spiritually by knowing that we aren’t alone in praying for particular things; and we also get a chance to confess anything that we need to confess to one another before praying. Literally, this takes 3-5 minutes. Simply put, this is just a good habit to incorporate in the fabric of your marriage. Evan and I choose to pray in the morning because we tend to get the day started around the same time, whereas we go to bed at entirely different times.

2. Practice adopting a lifestyle to 1 income

So on that day that my grandmother called, she also suggested that we live off 1 income and ultimately save the other. She and my grandfather lived by this principle, and I’m so happy she recommended it to me. If you are newly married, before choosing a lifestyle that forces you two to live off of 2 incomes, practice living off of 1 income and saving the other. In our case, this worked out in my transition to working in the home full-time after our baby boy was born. It also allowed us to save money quickly.

3. Never attack identity in an argument

So when Evan and I argue, there’s one card we’re not allowed ever to pull out, and that comes to attacking identity. We can say “at this moment you are acting ____,” but we don’t say, “You are crazy, irrational, a hypocrite, etc.” Do you see the subtle difference? The former implies that a behavior is temporary, albeit uncharacteristic. The latter conveys that in the fabric of your spouse’s DNA, he/she is something that can never be changed. You may think that this subtle difference is insignificant, but it really helps arguments to not escalate unnecessarily.

Shortly after our baby boy was born, Evan and I had the worse argument of our entire marriage at that point, and it was due to breaking this rule. When things escalated, we stopped and said, “We are doing what we said we would never do.” At that moment we prayed and checked ourselves and continued the conversation when we were more level-headed.

4. “Always” and “Never” are banned words when referring to an action that is negative about the other

This is something Evan and I both have to check each other on when we’re in an argument because it is so easy to present a false reality when stating “You always … You never….You are always…. etc.” The fact of the matter is that when you state something, you begin to believe it. And the truth is…more than likely your spouse doesn’t ALWAYS/NEVER do a particular thing.

5. Schedule a Weekly Business Meeting

We received this tip from an older couple at a marriage conference. Because communication plays such a huge role in the health of a marriage, Evan and I MUST SIT DOWN AND HAVE A WEEKLY MEETING about the week. We see the importance of this even more as life becomes busier as we get older. Life is unpredictable, so we just aim for our meeting to occur at some point every Sunday. Our meeting may spread out intermittently across 2-3 hours because baby woke up or we got hungry or so-and-so called. So don’t imagine us sitting at a table wholly organized and focused. We do what we can do, and still, reap benefits in trying. In this meeting, we go through 6 basic questions.

1. This isn’t a question but we begin by reading a chapter from Proverbs (usually corresponding to the date ex. if Sept 1, then we will read Proverbs 1.)

2. What is the status of our marriage from this past week?

   This gives us a chance to talk about what we could further work on, and it gives us a chance to thank the Lord for progress! We implemented this question after I asked Evan one day, “How can I bring up something that I’d like for you to consider changing without approaching in you in a way that is coming across as nagging?” And he suggested that instead of coming to him every day with something new (which I was doing smh), I could wait until our Sunday meeting to gracefully discuss with him anything that was troubling me etc without pulling out a laundry list (cause ladies, you know we got that list). And vice versa.

3. What is the plan for the week?

   Examples: What days are we working out? What do we want for groceries? Any events occurring during the week, in the evening, that we both need to be on 1 accord about? What are our plans for the upcoming weekend? In our case, what days will you be out of town?

4. What persons do we need to be praying for this week/ need to make sure we catch up with?

5. How did we spend our time this past week? Were we good stewards in getting certain items accomplished or did we waste certain evenings away?

6. Have we accomplished a goal from 1 vision that the Lord has given us?

PonderedThought:

• What are some good habits that you and your spouse implement in order to maintain a healthy relationship? Please post in the comments below! I really wanna know.

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5 Things I'm Learning in Marriage

4. Run to God 1st...then that book, blog, friend, mentor, sermon.

Run to God 1st...

Then that book, blog, friend, mentor, sermon.

This is probably the hardest for me and the most undervalued lesson learned. Whenever there is a disagreement, I’m so prone to run to “fixing it”—subtly telling myself that I am more capable than God and any wisdom/ guidance that He can grant. My best advice is to first run to God in prayer and WAIT  for Him to lead/guide you on what your next step should be.

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5. What God has brought together, let no man separate

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:5-6

This is by far the most restful and grace-filled lesson that I've learned/am learning. During our first year of marriage, I admit that I was plagued by the fear of divorce. I continuously looked at my flaws and suspected that something bad would happen and that we wouldn't make it. I went to the Lord in fear, as I meditated on my vows, and came to the realization that I simply couldn't do it. 

Due to this underlying fear, certain thoughts would produce more fear. The moment I sensed trouble, fear produced more fear. And before I knew it, the Lord was no longer in my thoughts. I kept thinking of hypothetical situations, entertained "what ifs," and blew up minor disagreements into major ones. But what I've come to understand now, is that Evan and I didn't come together on our own accord. The Lord brought us together. Therefore, when I see the enemy attempt to pull us apart—albeit through people, our own flesh, or circumstance—this verse grants me immense comfort. Why? 

I have the permission to go the Lord holding onto His promise rather than holding onto panic/fear. I can boldly state, "Abbah, You see this ___is pulling us apart. Now, You brought us together. I trust and wait on You to move, to guide, or to remove "xyz"so that we may be on1 accord.  I know that You desire this more than I do! I trust in You to help us through because Your Namesake is on the line." 

Marriage is bigger than any 2 people. It is a narrative that the Lord writes, directs, and constructs. Therefore, when I sense trouble now, I go to the Director. It's not my problem. I simply lay it at His feet and watch Him move for His own Namesake. For His own Glory.

I must warn you though. When you do this, don't be surprised if you find that the stumbling block within this beautiful narrative is not an outside force...but is actually you. Haha, this has happened to me on more than 1 occasion! 

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3.  Sex is not only a physical act but a spiritual necessity

- Genesis 2:24

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

-Proverbs 5:19

“A lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.”

Growing up, the introduction of sex was introduced to me, unfortunately. from episodes of watching the soap opera “Days of Our Lives.” I thought sex was a physical act intended to grant the most physically pleasurable experience. Unconsciously, this notion later prevailed my mind in moments of lustful thoughts in my season of singleness. I knew that sex was a powerful force that could be used to destroy if entered into prior to marriage. But I hardly considered the powerful benefits, beyond physical pleasure, offered for both spouses within the context of marriage.

Prior to marriage, an older and seasoned Christian woman shared with me that Satan would do everything in his power to get me and Evan in the bed prior to marriage, and that Satan would do everything in his power to get us out of the bed within marriage. When I first heard this, I was kind of blown away. I always thought...

"If I can just make it to marriage...all will be well."

I never realized that the same spiritual forces pulling me into fornication within singleness, could also have the potential to pull me away from my future husband even within marriage.

If sex was so dangerous outside the context of marriage, then it made sense for it be so powerful within the context marriage.  

Satan knows this. Why didn’t I? Which leads me to my next statement.

Sex is not merely a physical act. It is a spiritual necessity within the confines of marriage.

"Sex is not only a physical act, but it's a spiritual necessity."

-PonderedThought

It brings the Lord pleasure. It is an act of worship. It is an act that is a reflection in the physical realm of what already exists in the spiritual realm--beautiful oneness. It is a type of mysterious glue that binds one to the other in ways that my mind is too finite to conceive. I’m not a theologian, and I’m surely not God, but from personal experience, I believe it has helped me respect my husband more. It has helped my heart soften when it wants to grow hard and bitter. It has helped me practice the act of denying myself and joyfully giving of myself when I wish to be selfish.  And honestly, I’ve seen it take the edge off of the already difficulties found within marriage lol. It is that and so much more.

Sex is a powerful necessity needed for both husband and wife. To deduce it to being “merely” a physical experience for the self is to gravely and disrespectfully  deduce the divine gift that God has created.  It is physical AND it is that and so much more. Be mindful next time you find yourself in a pattern of telling your spouse that “you just don’t feel like it.” Be mindful of who/what is pushing you away from your marriage bed. Satan knows the power of sexual intimacy between husband and wife. Do you?

In the same vein, be mindful of why you wish to engage in sexual intimacy with your spouse. Do you view sex as only a physical experience to grant the self pleasure? When I think of the times in which I’ve experienced the most intimacy with Christ, it was when I gave of myself fully to Him. In return, I inevitably felt the indescribable hedonistic pleasures of simply being in His presence. The same goes in sexual intimacy.  When husband and wife both enter into the marriage bed with a selfish mindset of how to please the self, one’s actions subtly reveals one's belief about sex—merely a physical act  for the self. But in actuality, it is a spiritual necessity that helps one to deny oneself in giving the other pleasure, and in effect produces the most pleasurable fruit as one draws closer to Christ.  

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2.  Male and Female differences are meant to be celebrated and not denigrated

celebrate difference

Growing up in a house with 5 women, conversations easily flowed from dinner, to the game room, and into the night. My sisters and I fought a lot, but we also grew accustomed to endless chatter, free flowing hugs and kisses, and conversations about clothing, celebrity gossip, and controversial political topics. When I married my husband, I took these acts of intimacy and connection with my sisters and tried to apply them to him.  I was in a for a rude awakening. My husband, a man, was so different. We dated for 6 years, and so I don’t mean to insinuate this newfound “difference” as synonymous to incompatible. No, I moreso mean “different” as in “perplexing.” He appeared as a puzzle, and I a mere observer who simply tried to make sense of things.  He sparked some of the following questions:

Why did he need to have time to himself after a long day at work, when my type of "unwinding" involved talking to him endlessly about my day from the moment I walked in the door? Why did his eyes light up on when seeing a long, drawn-out action scene on a movie, when I was literally covering my eyes counting down until its ending? Why did he just wipe his hand on his side pants leg when I just gave him a napkin? But moreso, why did I notice something so small like that...and cringe?

Every male and female is different. But it’s funny when such over-generalizations show up in marriage. Instead of denigrating and trying to control/find answers to these questions, it’s important to celebrate such differences and thank God that He is so creative in making human beings so immeasurably different and yet so mysteriously compatible. I now love going to an action movie and seeing that moment when my husband is looking so intently into the screen. I love that when I notice crumbs in places that irk me, he doesn’t seem to care. I love giving my husband his man time and seeing him return refreshed. I don’t know the answers to such questions. But I’ve come to love the differences... because that’s what makes my husband my husband.  

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1. Unity is not simply found in compromise but in Christ

Unity

...is not found in merely compromise

but in Christ.

-Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all thine ways and He will direct thy paths (Some verses are hard to translate outside of the KJV lol)

There have been so many times in which I felt that marriage composed of compromise 100% of the time. If I wanted something and my husband wanted another...I figured we’d just come to the middle and keep it moving. I thought this would simply maintain inevitable peace between my husband and I. But what I’ve come to find out is that true unity, true oneness, and true concordance is found in Christ and not in a set methodology of seeking merely compromise. There will be times in which the Holy Spirit will tell you to simply meet the other all the way rather than in the middle, and vice versa. It is important to follow the Spirit, even in the most mundane things. He is intimately connected to every detail in your life.

When you sense this nudge, be careful to not hold onto your own worldly knowledge by exclaiming that you have every right to not give in; or be careful to not add up all the countless times in which you’ve felt yourself give in already. This leads only to bitterness, as you can easily slip into pointing the finger incessantly at the other. When both you and your spouse are following Christ, it produces the most beautiful fruit. When you find yourself being the only one following Christ, always remember that His grace is sufficient. He gives you the right amount of  grace to handle your spouse, that situation, or that decision made without your approval. Unity may not always be found in compromise. It's found in Christ! Listen to His wisdom and not your own.