5 Things I'm Learning in Marriage

3.  Sex is not only a physical act but a spiritual necessity

- Genesis 2:24

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

-Proverbs 5:19

“A lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.”

Growing up, the introduction of sex was introduced to me, unfortunately. from episodes of watching the soap opera “Days of Our Lives.” I thought sex was a physical act intended to grant the most physically pleasurable experience. Unconsciously, this notion later prevailed my mind in moments of lustful thoughts in my season of singleness. I knew that sex was a powerful force that could be used to destroy if entered into prior to marriage. But I hardly considered the powerful benefits, beyond physical pleasure, offered for both spouses within the context of marriage.

Prior to marriage, an older and seasoned Christian woman shared with me that Satan would do everything in his power to get me and Evan in the bed prior to marriage, and that Satan would do everything in his power to get us out of the bed within marriage. When I first heard this, I was kind of blown away. I always thought...

"If I can just make it to marriage...all will be well."

I never realized that the same spiritual forces pulling me into fornication within singleness, could also have the potential to pull me away from my future husband even within marriage.

If sex was so dangerous outside the context of marriage, then it made sense for it be so powerful within the context marriage.  

Satan knows this. Why didn’t I? Which leads me to my next statement.

Sex is not merely a physical act. It is a spiritual necessity within the confines of marriage.

"Sex is not only a physical act, but it's a spiritual necessity."

-PonderedThought

It brings the Lord pleasure. It is an act of worship. It is an act that is a reflection in the physical realm of what already exists in the spiritual realm--beautiful oneness. It is a type of mysterious glue that binds one to the other in ways that my mind is too finite to conceive. I’m not a theologian, and I’m surely not God, but from personal experience, I believe it has helped me respect my husband more. It has helped my heart soften when it wants to grow hard and bitter. It has helped me practice the act of denying myself and joyfully giving of myself when I wish to be selfish.  And honestly, I’ve seen it take the edge off of the already difficulties found within marriage lol. It is that and so much more.

Sex is a powerful necessity needed for both husband and wife. To deduce it to being “merely” a physical experience for the self is to gravely and disrespectfully  deduce the divine gift that God has created.  It is physical AND it is that and so much more. Be mindful next time you find yourself in a pattern of telling your spouse that “you just don’t feel like it.” Be mindful of who/what is pushing you away from your marriage bed. Satan knows the power of sexual intimacy between husband and wife. Do you?

In the same vein, be mindful of why you wish to engage in sexual intimacy with your spouse. Do you view sex as only a physical experience to grant the self pleasure? When I think of the times in which I’ve experienced the most intimacy with Christ, it was when I gave of myself fully to Him. In return, I inevitably felt the indescribable hedonistic pleasures of simply being in His presence. The same goes in sexual intimacy.  When husband and wife both enter into the marriage bed with a selfish mindset of how to please the self, one’s actions subtly reveals one's belief about sex—merely a physical act  for the self. But in actuality, it is a spiritual necessity that helps one to deny oneself in giving the other pleasure, and in effect produces the most pleasurable fruit as one draws closer to Christ.  

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Waiting to Kiss...Our Story

-----Describes a time before marriage

Waiting to Kiss...

Nothing compared to the storm raging inside us as our arms linked together and kisses poured forth. I hadn’t seen Evan in more than 6 weeks, and the passionate welcoming—as privacy ensued unnoticed by the closing of the door—quickly resulted. My mind clouded out clear judgment as lust poured forth with quick vengeance.

“Lord is this pleasing to you?” I pleaded as the wave of emotion fought to bring down any moment of reason.

I quickly felt assurance that it indeed was not. Unfortunately,  I proceeded anyway. I justified my decision by acknowledging that I was only expressing pure love through a passionate kiss. What could it hurt? Nonetheless, the sweet communion with the Lord that I was experiencing, moments before Evan’s appearing, quickly dissipated.

“Lord, is...this  pleasing... to you?”

Coming to my senses, I realized that I was about to be late for my hair appointment. Thankful for the abrupt end to a passionate kissing session, I told Evan that I needed to go and he gladly volunteered to drive me to my appointment. While he drove, I thought carefully on the possibility of engaging in a relationship with Evan without the sweet benefits of kissing. In all honesty, kissing was something I looked forward to the most when Evan and I were separated.

Evan and I were both Sophmores in college and were in a long distance relationship. We met in high school and had been going on four years in dating at the time. Due to going to separate colleges, Evan and I mainly saw each other when we were home for break. And when we saw one another, kissing was a central theme.

 In high school, our friends considered it strange that Evan and I were dating without engaging in sex. While others thought this to be strange, Evan and I thought it to be preposterous to be in a relationship and not kiss. "Oh, how strange that would be!" we often thought. 

As I sat in the car waiting to be dropped off, I couldn’t shake the fact that me kissing Evan was not pleasing to the Lord. But what was the alternative? It seemed impossible. While I was in a flood of thoughts, Evan pulled up to my beauty shop and characteristically stated, “Give me a kiss.” I looked forward to the separation from Evan so that I could think about this curveball that I felt the Lord was throwing at me.

The next day, Evan invited me over to his parents’ house. I put my cute black dress on & boots, grabbed my brown bag, and left my house. Once I arrived, we spoke with his parents but in a moment of privacy, we kissed. I pulled away and tried to gather my words.

“What?” Evan asked, knowing something was on my mind.

“Can we do a Holy kiss?” I said (insert don't judge me LOL).

The night before, I read the epistles and read how Paul said to greet others with a kiss. In my naivete, I took this to mean that perhaps I can kiss but maybe there is holy and unholy way.

“Jessica, what is that?” he said, while beginning to cautiously laugh.

I didn’t know exactly how to demonstrate it, but I knew that whatever we had been doing—wasn’t bringing the Lord pleasure. I wanted to think of a way to kiss that perhaps brought pleasure. With amusement, Evan complied to play along. But the opposite of “holy” kisses quickly prevailed. I left his house completely surrendered. As I pulled away in my dad’s truck, I told the Lord clearly that if He wanted us to not kiss that He would have to make it work because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it. He would have to figure out a way because, holy or unholy, my flesh wanted Evan.

That night, I fell asleep while contemplating why the Lord expected me to do this.

Why take away this one physical pleasure when Ev and I were not having sex?

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual. I was on a school break and had more than enough time to sleep in. But I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. To my utter shock, upon swallowing, a sharp pain resulted. I had a severe sore throat. I hadn’t been sick in MONTHS, and when I did get sick, it  resulted in a sinus infection mostly—never a sore throat. It was 5AM in the morning when the text came through Evan’s phone.

“We can’t kiss anymore. I’ll explain later,”  I texted.

Evan, being an early bird, called me shortly after. I explained to him the bidding of the Holy Spirit, the prayer, the sore throat, everything. By this time, I didn’t need another sign. Some may have thought it a coincidence, but the Lord made it very clear to me that although I couldn't stop kissing in my own strength, if I surrendered, He'd find a way to help me to do so.  Kissing wasn’t the issue. The real issue was that I couldn’t kiss Evan without falling into a state of lust, which happened to linger long after the actual kiss itself.

Later that day, Evan and I met at the park. We were so accustomed to hanging out and kissing, and so it was a bit awkward understanding how we were to hang out without such a defining activity in our relationship. As we sat in the car, we couldn’t help but laugh.

“So how long is this supposed to last? Like is this just temporary or…” Evan asked.

I didn’t know. I just knew that kissing wasn’t pleasing to the Lord. And I clearly didn’t know how nor understand how to kiss in such a way that would bring "Him" pleasure.

“I don’t know. I just know that we aren’t supposed to,” I said.

So there we sat in the car at the park, watching the lake in front of us. As we talked and laughed, the lack of kissing didn’t quiet our physical longing, but increased it that much more.  

Who was I kidding? I couldn’t do this.

And just as quickly as hopelessness tried to set in, the Lord led me to imagine Himself sitting behind us. The image of His sweet presence sobered me in a way that is a bit indescribable. I realized that I was Christ's daughter and Evan was His son. Interestingly enough, remembering that Christ was always in our Presence, placed things in perspective. I wasn’t just lusting for Evan, I was lusting for my Saviour’s Son; and I, Christ’s wife, was lusting for another man.

We made it through the first date without slipping. Not realizing the extent to God’s grace, He allowed us to not kiss until we became husband and wife, 3 years later.  SUCH GRACE—not kidding.

As time went on, I would sometimes look back and wonder why the Lord spoke to me and not to Evan. It wasn’t until later that Evan reluctantly revealed to me that he too felt that the Lord was telling us not to kiss 3 years prior to the Lord speaking to me (when we were in high school). Due to not seeing how, Evan ignored it.

“Always have a listening ear would seemingly be the lesson learned from this experience”, but instead , I’d say this—when God speaks, He’s not expecting us to do anything in our own strength. When He speaks, trust that He will, or already has, provided you with a way to fulfill what He has initially commanded through the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 Peter 1 : 3

“ 3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”

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